The Painter and her Pride

Since i was 13, i learned how to live my life on my own. I was away , far away from my parents. Far in a remote village in Kelantan . Am too used to do things, decide things on my own.. Masa tu, i still remember, i was so jealous to see parents came to hostel to see their children. Eat together.. laugh together. and I wonder, why am not fortunate enough to be in such situation. Because of the “want” to be lucky, to be loved by parents, i worked hard to be an excellent student. In fact i was the best in the school.

Back then, when i told my parents about how excellent i am at school, one of the response i got was “Being the best in a normal school is nothing compared to a boarding school”. It hits me right there.. my heart. I worked harder… to be accepted to a boarding school, and therefore, i be near to my parents. Allah planned things so well, that i managed to be accepted into a boarding school, among the best in Malaysia. The best religious school in Malaysia…

I continued to work hard.. to be the best among the best .. and yes.. i was among the student who got straight As. Alhamdulillah. That time i knew, my dad wanted me to go to UK to pursue my degree. and yes, i managed to do what he wanted me to do. I did all well. All just to be near to my parents. Just to be the best in their eyes. Just to make them happy. Just to put a smile on their faces. To make them proud. I dont have anybody to please, other than my parents. Why? because that was what the school taught me. Be nice to your parents, and Allah will reward you.

Until now, i still do things to make them happy..  I married to a person who can please and make them happy, hoping they would like my hubby, i delivered their first grandchildren for them. they want granddotter? grandson? there you go.. i delivered them successfully Alhamdulillah. After my degree, when i came back home, my dad said “I really hope my children will get education higher that what i had”. Straight away.. Master and PHD came to my mind. “Aha, that will make them happier if i manage to do kan?”. Alhamdulillah i got my CIFP.

I just realised, baru je tadi realise, i am getting tired of doing these.. please people.. while put aside my own feelings. When people do not even give a damn to my feelings. AT ALL! wow..

I think it is just not fair, after 29 years, ummi said i am jahat in front of my own dotter.  it is not fair after what i have done just to please them. phew… heartbroken wehh.. hati ni macam ditoreh torehhh jeee… it is about my pride as a painter..

I am the painter of a white canvas.. instilling (i dunno if this is the right word) good values in my own kids. Please dont be an uninvited painter laa.. well you can be one if you do in a right way kan ? tp .. what ? “Mummy jahat?”.. ” Haah, Mummy awak jahat..”.. what the ….???? #!%$!%! biar betol!!!!

the kids mmg takkan faham.. but they remember ! they are like a sponge, semua pon diorg amik.. What if one day she said the same thing to me after i have raised them.. I never say my ummi jahat.. i never even thot my umi jahat… dia marah saya tak pandai masak, dia komplen sy tak pandai buat kerja rumah, dia tak pernah acknowledge pon pencapaian saya disekolah.. dan itu tak buat sy kata dia jahat..

After 29 years, umi said i jahat.. twice .. during eid, and now in front of my own dotter. What does that tell you? I MMG JAHAT LA… what laa.. adoiyaii… kecewa betul…I dont want to hear for the third time haha..

Conclusion, lets move out. TOTALLY.. jom! (Hubby, please bring me out of this house) 5 years living under the same roof with parents really teach me a LOT. 1. Put things in a very positive manner. 2. People have pride, and please jaga air muka seseorang, even depan seorang anak kecil. 3. Love them even if we know they hate us soo much. 4. and last but not least, FORGIVE AND FORGET. ( I told u Lucy, dont go too far.. huhu)

Allahuakbar.. kecewa..Jom tido dengan perasaan kecewa, semoga esok semua nya kembali ceria. Wallahuaálam.

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2 thoughts on “The Painter and her Pride

  1. Sedih lak baca this cerita..I can imagine how is the hurt feeling, esp from a mother’s perspective.

    U made some good conclusions there, but personally I believe they still love you even though they might say or do things deemed like they dislike u, well there r our parents, they have been there for us since baby…

    I believe memang generally parents like (sort of) to judge their children and compare them with them, I believe in this case you r not alone. And somehow I started to realize that our parents makin tua makin dorang can make mistakes intentionally or unintentionally to us, maybe itu resam dunia, when u get old, they start to behave like kids (cakap tak fikir perasaan orang lain etc).

    Anyway, one of the big conclusion from that kind of incident is that we do not inherit and pass the kind of treatment we dislike from our parents or our loved ones to our own children, sometime (if not all the time) the way we talk, think and act are based on the way how we were brought up, end up we might treat our children worse than our parent treat us.

    So, I think u have to continuously be patient in life, well the name pun dah ‘life’ and life should be full of test…for us to be the one….

    Wallahu a`alim

    • Thanks Brother for the comment. Yap, definitely, they still love me. Thats why they tried to “fix” me. But they might be using the wrong “tool” to fix it.. huhu..Alhamdulillah, the sadness dah beransur pegi.. well, actually kira fair la, i might be use to hurt them before, without me realising it.. when i was kid. kan? tak pe la tu.. tak de apa.. At least, i learned something out of the incident. Hoping am not gonna be like them one day..insyaAllah.

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