It has been almost 3 months since i delivered my Aula. Alhamdulillah.. She is very active now, healthy baby, cooing very happily.. if u talk to her, she will respond with a very very very sweet smile that can surely melt anyone’s heart when they see the smile.. oh yes.. she is very adorable baby.. heheh..Alhamdulillah.. May she be an adorable muslimah which can only potray good things and good behaviour ameen.
3 months.. for a lady like me.. am still in my transition period. transit from being a mother to 2, to a mother to 3, from an IF analyst to a sector analyst, from a mother who never have a maid, to a mother who has one maid.. from 2 months confinement which she can rest never think about work, to a month working in office and have to deal with many new things and to achieve many expectations. not only that, my body is also going through transition period as much as my mental
this is what we call TRANSITION PERIOD. and yes ! yes i do feel overwhelming! semua bende sgt baru .. biar la org nak kata saya seorang yang poyo.. exaggerate things too much! too weak! too manja! too whatever…i dont care, because only me and HIM know what i have been through, be it physically, mentally, emotionally.. ha tu dia..meluahkan perasaan ni..its coming ya..i am opening bit by bit… keskes..
OVERWHELMING is the right word for now. bila kita overwhelm,hati kita never rest at peace. betul tak?
pernah rasa tak macam tu ? huhuhu.. the heart tu macam pounding so fast gitu.. rasa sgt lonely pon ada, rasa semua bende tak kena, all things went wrong in our eyes, we started to complaint , we started to point to others, blame others for what have gone wrong…
just like in my case. Anak sakit a day after i resumed my work from maternity..my brothers left me alone in the office, which make me feel so lonely .. lonely sgt.. which make me scared .. and start thinking “is this the right place for me to be ?” suddenly , masa tu jugak, seems like nobody cares about ur feeling, nobody understands your situation.. i rasa sgt.. was “forced” to do things that i never thot of doing it.. healthcare, contruction, telcomunication..what is that ? where is my IF? where? why people didint see that i can do IF? why? sigh.. and now, my maid plak buat hal, she refused to follow me balik kampung when i need her help the most in handling my kids when am at my in-laws place. seriously.. this maid mmg buat i sakit dan pening kepala..but again..see..i start blaming eh..i said, it was her, mengada nak cuti la, tak nak ikut la, nak duit tapi malas nak keje, majikan suruh keje ikut balik kampung, she can simply refuse..mygod! betul sakit hati.. hahaha.. mencabar iman dan sabar saya sebagai seorang ibu yang bekerja..
Allahuakbar.. penat.. penat itu yg terlintas dihati saya. Giving up..almost… and today.. something hits me.. hits me that make me wanna cry ..i did cry, but deep inside my heart.. allahuakbar.. big A for having such feeling right now.. Alhamdulillah, HE reminds me.. reminds me after i have been neglecting HIM.. why i say this? yes, i realise, my heart does less zikr.. yes, my tounge forgets to istighfar.. my body feel so heavy at 3 in the morning.. and sometimes, i missed my prayer too.. just because am too tired.. Astaghfirullah hal azim.. yes.. allahuakbar.. ..Alhamdulillah, Thanks Allah for giving me this OVERWHELMING feeeling which brings me back to YOU oh Allah.. Please Guide me to be a better person .. and lead me to your Jannah..
Wiaam, Please, dont forget to zikr, and now u remember.. keeps zikr keep istighfar and may your heart feel the peace in remembering HIM, the only one that you have been longging for. And at this moment, inside me, am crying hard.. Oh Allah, make it easy for me.. to see you, make it easy for me to go to Haram and give me chance to cry hard for real.. ameen..
p/s: I have a brother that always have the same state of feeling like i do.. i dunno if it is by coincedence or we were actually a twins by soul..haha..but we always have the same feeling.. so seriously, i feel what u feel. so lets double-triple up our ibadah….May Allah accepts our good deed.. be strong brother.. because Allah with those who is sbr and that make a person the strongest in the world. k..? haip!! sip sip..