The Weapon

I was born as muslim.. Alhamdulillah..i was exposed to Islam since small… Being introduced to Islam since i was small… Started to recite Quran when i was 7/8 yo. I was raised in muslim community.. However, My parents were not that strict about dressing.. Because for them, i can wear hijab when am ready…I was allowed to wear short skirt with pony tail until i was 10. I started to know hijab when i moved to Kelantan. That was when i was 10/11 yo. All pupils were wearing hijab in school. Except me. refused to be embarrassed by frens, i forced my mom to buy me a hijab for school. I tell u, i barely hear what people say when i wore the hijab.. Haahhaha… Then i realised i wore a thick inner, very thick one … Haha.. No wonder la i was deaf with hijab. Haahha 
Then when i turned 13 yo, baba sent me to a boarding school.. Far in a remote area.. In that school, i was introduced to a proper muslim attire..big hijab, big clothes haha… All baggy clothes.. Throughout my 3 yrs in that school, i learnt what proper attire is . How to be a good muslim adult.. ( means no shortskirt and no sleeveless😅)

After 3 yrs learnt the basic of being a  muslim, with a good lower secondary school exam result, i then managed to get into a better school.. Still a religious school… In this new school i was taught to be a dai’e…Allahuakbar… This was a big turning point for me.. I started to search and learn Islam seriously at this school… I started to search myself… My religion my God… My Rasul.. And started to understand what is my main role in this dunya.. And what shud i get and dream of having in Akhirah…. 
Too many activities in that school, but what i have to say is , there is a balance for both education in dunya and akhirah… But there are also too many fikrah in the school, extremist… And liberal… I chose to be in the middle.. Huhuhu…. 

One of the fikrah i love and i still hold on to until today was ” a good muslim has a secret weapon and it is his Doa”. Because of this fikrah, we were taught so many doa.. Many doa and among of them, my fav is … DOA RABITAH…

They said, the strongest point of a muslim, is at his heart. If the heart strong, the muslim will be strong.. If weak, then the muslim will be the weakest and a looser. I believe this…this is true..verryyyy true… U dont believe me? Check ur heart… Heheh…

After years (15 years to be precise), i almost forgot about the doa… But Allah reminded me in His own way… today i heard my own kids who are 7 yo and 4 yo… Reciting the doa happily… Fluently.. That startled me… 😅 why? Because they have been exposed to this doa at a very young age.. When i was exposed to the same doa when i was 16 yo! Allahuakbar…What does that mean??? 

It means i have to work harder as a mom, as a teacher and as a daie.. I have to be stronger in putting the right soul and spirit into them to spread Islam … This is my team.. 
“Oh Allah guide them to ur right path, strengthen their imaan.. Strengthen their patience strengthen their heart in holding on to Your rope of Islam..protect them and indeed Youre the best protector, ameen”

Till then, InsyaAllah…


Stop Dreaming..

Sometimes i dream to have a big house, 

I dream to have many kids of my own who are hafeez and hafeezah (a person who memorise quran)

I dream to be a solehah woman, dream to have a soleh husband.

I dream to be faqih in religion issues, 

I dream to be in Jannah, eating all fruits that i can never imagine how tasty they are 

I dream to have a jannah in the highest level…


What did i do to make them real? 

What have i done so far to accompolish my mission in this dunya? 

I wanna be rich in this dunya , but am i rich in my ibadah? Khusyu’ enough? Perfect wudhu’? Am i rich in my akhlak? Good enough to my parents? My husband? Kids? Siblings? Others? 

I wanna be solehah… But have i been one to my husband? Do i perform solat at early hour? Do i read quran as much as i can? Do i understand the quran? What did i do to ustand quran? Class? Asking ustazah? 

I wanna die in husnul khatimah ( die in a good manner) have i been good to others in this dunya? Have i been good to Allah Taala ? Do i obey Him?

Im jealous of those who is pious, who faqih in Islam, who rich in akhlak and ibadah, who memorised quran easily by their hearts… 

Im jealous of those who are solehah wife, paradise surely for them… Jealous of whom are consistent with quran… Allahuakbar wa Astaghfirullah hal azim….

Am nothing comparing to them … I dream but i dunno how close i am with my dream…i dream of jannah.. But how close i am to His Jannah? Can i even smell it?

I wanna improve myself before the time comes, i wanna make a change !i wanna be better muslim… Oh Allah make it easy… 😓

Oh My Heart, 

Stop dreaming… Make a change.. Do ibadah with a full heart, a heart that full of love towards only Him, heart that afraid of His punishment, heart that full of Dhikr.. 

Keep going.. Keep istighfar… Keep striving… To see Him in husnul Khatimah.. 

My condolences to those who syaheed in Mecca recently… Am sure they have been dreaming to die in Mecca.. While doing ibadah , while their heart submitted wholly to Him… They accompolished their mission successfully..may Allah bless their soul” ameen

SO?!.. And what am i waiting for ?😓 Oh Allah accept my tawbah oh Allah… I acknowledge Your Nikmah and i acknowledge my Sin… Therefore forgive me oh Allah.. ” ameen...  

Till then.., insyaAllah… 


The Biggest Secret 

This morning, when I was driving, I listened to a radio , and my heart was touched by a recitation of “talbiyah” which normally recited by pilgrims. Yes! Aidu’l Adha is next 2 weeks time. How time flies. MasyaAllah. 

For me driving is the best time for some self- reflections.. and while listening to the Talbiyah my heart stop one beat.. yes.. this time it really touched me. I cried while driving… Allah has touched my heart through the Talbiyah.. the best part is I have been to Umrah, and I recited this talbiyah, but I never feel how I feel now…now, right now in the car… while driving to my office the talbiyah touched my heart … 

See how Allah Taala uniquely touches our hearts in His very own way and whenever He wants to ..Allahuakbar.. Alhamdulillah wa Astaghfirullah.
Why I don’t feel the same when I was doing my umrah? Because I missed the meaning of one line of the talbiyah.. which one? .. this one…

….. Indeed all praise and bounty are YOURs and YOURs the kingdom…..

In layman word, it means, everything in this world is owned by Allah Taala… be it, my eyes, my hands, my brain… even the car I drove, the house I owned, the husband I married, my parents I loved… everybody around me who come and goes are all HIS … including the feeling I have for all of them ..… it is all temporary in this world.. Allahuakbar..

Allah Taala has given us so much nikmah, and yet we still forget HIM, ok may be u guys not, but I do sometimes L .. HE definitely never forget us, including me.. for HIM to nudge me with this feeling this morning.. is such a big nikmah and HE indeed is unlocking the biggest secret for me..

What? Yes, truly when I was listening to the talbiyah, I AM dealing with a very complicated feelings… related to other humans.. which has caused me to feel upset, VERY upset, frustrated, down..annoyed, irritated.. giving up .. everything u named me the negative feelings,,.. I am dealing with all of them…

And with the talbiyah..indeed.. it inspires me to be strong to move on, and I am so confident that Allah is calling my name to tell me that this FRUSTRATION and SADNESS is just temporary.. ALLAH wants me to be sabar.. and analyse situation using my brain and my heart.. look at the issues with not only my eyes but also with my ‘eyes’ in my heart.. 

Thank you ALLAH for being there for me. Thank you Allah for helping me to go through what I am facing .. emotionally and spiritually. Thank you Allah for giving me a very strong rope for me to hold on.. and please Allah Accept my Tawbah .. because what have gone wrong is due to my own weaknesses. GUIDE me Allah in keeping myself strong in holding onto you rope until the very last moment … before I see you. Ameen.

Till then… InsyaAllah