The Biggest Secret 

This morning, when I was driving, I listened to a radio , and my heart was touched by a recitation of “talbiyah” which normally recited by pilgrims. Yes! Aidu’l Adha is next 2 weeks time. How time flies. MasyaAllah. 

For me driving is the best time for some self- reflections.. and while listening to the Talbiyah my heart stop one beat.. yes.. this time it really touched me. I cried while driving… Allah has touched my heart through the Talbiyah.. the best part is I have been to Umrah, and I recited this talbiyah, but I never feel how I feel now…now, right now in the car… while driving to my office the talbiyah touched my heart … 

See how Allah Taala uniquely touches our hearts in His very own way and whenever He wants to ..Allahuakbar.. Alhamdulillah wa Astaghfirullah.
Why I don’t feel the same when I was doing my umrah? Because I missed the meaning of one line of the talbiyah.. which one? .. this one…

….. Indeed all praise and bounty are YOURs and YOURs the kingdom…..

In layman word, it means, everything in this world is HIS..is owned by Allah Taala… be it, my eyes, my hands, my brain… even the car I drove, the house I owned, the husband I married, my parents I loved… everybody around me who come and goes are all HIS … including the feeling I have for all of them ..… it is all temporary in this world.. Allahuakbar..

Allah Taala has given us so much nikmah, and yet we still forget HIM, ok may be u guys not, but I do sometimes L .. HE definitely never forget us, including me.. for HIM to nudge me with this feeling this morning.. is such a big nikmah and HE indeed is unlocking the biggest secret for me..

What? Yes, truly when I was listening to the talbiyah, I AM dealing with a very complicated feelings… related to other humans.. which has caused me to feel upset, VERY upset, frustrated, down..annoyed, irritated.. giving up .. everything u named me the negative feelings,,.. I am dealing with all of them…

And with the talbiyah..indeed.. it inspires me to be strong to move on, and I am so confident that Allah is calling my name to tell me that this FRUSTRATION and SADNESS is just temporary.. ALLAH wants me to be sabar.. and analyse situation using my brain and my heart.. look at the issues with not only my eyes but also with my ‘eyes’ in my heart.. 

Thank you ALLAH for being there for me. Thank you Allah for helping me to go through what I am facing .. emotionally and spiritually. Thank you Allah for giving me a very strong rope for me to hold on.. and please Allah Accept my Tawbah .. because what have gone wrong is due to my own weaknesses. GUIDE me Allah in keeping myself strong in holding onto you rope until the very last moment … before I see you. Ameen.

 
Till then… InsyaAllah 

Ask HIM.. only HIM

I have been through many things at once. Things happened drastically, too fast for me to cope. Things happened when I least expected. This is a great TEST for me .. it tests my perseverance in holding my principles in life.

Last night I managed to talk to my NAD. NAD is facing such a great turbulence .. which affect NAD’s life greatly. The turbulence comes from every angle of life, ranging from family, personal relationships, mom, dad, siblings, children, works, and colleagues. I believe it is not easy for NAD at this time. I feel bad for not being able to help NAD that much. Only with few kind words to keep NAD’s spirit intact.. to keep NAD in positive state in facing any test in life. Looking at NAD’s situation, I could not share my problem like I always do.. I need alternative.. I have to pour this bad feeling I have so I will forget about it.

When a person who is close to my heart having such great tests, and challenges in life, trust me, it affects me greatly. It tires me. It sucks out most of my energy when my mind only focus on the problem. This is not good for my health , emotionally, physically, mentally .. surely this is not good for a person who is close to my heart too.. right?

Since last nite I was thinking how can I help them … I was thinking how can help myself too. One problem comes after another. Test comes after another. TIRING… GIVING UP… IRRITATING! But is this the right way for me to face the challeng? If I feel this way when am at the weakest point of my life, then what more the person who are in deep “hole”. Allahurabbi…

Yes am at the weakest point of my life. Not only affected by NAD, but also affected by my own biological brother who accused me for something that I didn’t do. He is being irrational, childish and selfish. I got hurt deeply by his words… but he is my brother.. I could not reply or defends myself through words as that definitely will hurt him and I don’t wanna hurt him. The best to do now is SILENT. My silent is not a ticket for him to say that I agree to his accusation, but I believe, the truth will be seen ..then the words he threw on my face will finally goes back to him. Then only all of us will  learn the lesson.

Sad, frustrated ,hurt.. that’s the word .. but as a mother, a sister, a daughter a wife, I could not show this in front of my family. WHAT I CAN DO IS TO ASK HIM (ALLAH TAALA) FOR HELP AND GUIDANCE.

  
Oh Allah , only YOU who knows what is going on with me what is my state of spirit and soul I am at right now. Hence, strengthen me with your love. Guide me in taking any action to rectify things. Indeed, am the weakest slave of Yours. I have done many mistakes and sins. Forgive me oh Allah. Accept my Tawbah oh Allah.. only to You I submit myself to. Show me the way out, oh Allah. and show the way out for my Brother and NAD.  Ameen.

  
Till then, InsyaAllah.

Perasaan Itu

Aku takut dengan perasaan itu,

Perasaan itu mengubah aku sehingga aku sendiri tak dapat mengenali diri sendiri,

Perasaan itu membuatkan aku jadi penat, 

Perasaan itu melemahkan jiwa dan raga aku, 

Sungguh aku perlukan bantuan pernafasan,

Sungguh aku ingin membuang perasaan ini jauh jauh

Sungguh aku sudah tidak sanggup menyakiti diri sendiri

Dan sungguh perasaan itu adalah ujian terbesar buat diri aku yg lemah 

Dan aku harus bersangka baik padaNya

Aku perlu mencari hikmah di sebalik perasaan itu
Till then, insyaAllah …  

 

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Today is my sis’s last day. I am so grateful to have her at a time when I need a real sister .. the best buddy ..the best accompany… Allah took my brother from me forever in this dunya, and He sent me a very sweet, cheerful, happy-go-lucky, thoughtful, caring and brilliant sister!… Alhamdulillah.. Allahuakbar.. Indeed, His plan is the best for everyone of us.

On the first day I met my sister, she was applying scholarships for her study. Yeap She is pursuing study .. somewhere in London.. Masa tu she was frustrated not getting any ….. but for me, it is about time.. I told her.. nnt mesti akan dapat.. one of the scholarhips … Cuma tak tau yg mana satu…

… waiting is not an easy work to do .. Waiting comes with pain… that pain requires Sabr (patience).. Perseverance is very important for the Sabr to be rewarded.

But if let say , things turned out not as we expected, we should not be sad. If let say the waiting is just tooooo long for us to wait.. do not give up, but be REDHA , accept the fact that u just have to wait … and tawakal to Allah Taalaa (leave it totally to none but Allah Taalaa) and husnu zon to Allah Taala (perceive good things)  insyaAllah, right after that, u will see the lights at the other end of tunnels, but to be redha, to come to that state requires sincerity in ur heart, yaqeen that Allah Taalaa is with you in every minute and second.

I still remember, my sister came to me and said “ Kak wi, I don’t wanna expect anything anymore.. the waiting is just too painful. I might not be getting any offers… it is painful Kak wi. But its ok.. sy redha.. if I just pursue my Masters at local university”. To actually looking into her eyes, to actually feeling the painful and frustration about her could not  making her parents happy with her achievement, I smiled. Why? Because she has a very pure intention…she was infact came to a state of TAWAKKAL.. and leave it to Allah and redha with whatever Qada and Qadar for her.. and am happy to have such beautiful sister by my side.. and I hope I can be like her.. and yes Alhamdulillah she does not have to remind me of any good deeds as she herself is a reminder for me to reflect myself everyday and remember Allah Taalaa every second.

Your pain is worth it… and finally you got the scholarship .. in fact you are the only Malaysian to be the recipient of the scholarship. Alhamdulillah Allahuakbar….. true enough, The Great Things Come To Those Who Wait with patient.. and Allah heard the doa of those who Sabr..

  
Dear Sister,

It is nice to know you for 11 months at the office. I am so grateful to have you as my colleague, and sister and sahabah fidunnya wal akhirah. Allah sent you to me to remind me of myself back then… when I was looking for myself and His Love. And HE never wrong about me, that He sent you to me to “nudge” me , asking me to look for His love through another person and it happens to be you. Believe me, u come to my life at the very right time. And yes I learn a lot from you and from our sisterhood.

Allahuakbar.. seriously I never know how to describe in words the feeling of being grateful to have you and to know you. And today, is our last day to be as officemate. And I hope we will never forget our great moments .. laughs, jokes, smiles, cries..everything. and paling penting, every lesson of life we have learned together through out of office hours. You came because HE sent to me, you walk out of my life because of HIM, and with that, I m happy to be apart from you LILLAHITAALA. Why am happy? Because they said, if we meet and we separate for Allah Taala, insyaAllah, we will meet in HIS beautiful paradise, Jannatul Firdausi. Ameen

Don’t be afraid don’t be scared to be alone anywhere in this world. Because Allah Taala is always with you so long you have HIM in your heart. So long you never neglect you responsibility to Islam, His religion. I have been there sister. Feeling alone in such a strange place.. far away from family. No doubt we will be afraid.. but believe me that is normal, get a grip and be close to Allah Taala, recite His beautiful love letters.. and you will be just fine. Trust me!

With that , Good luck for your future undertakings. Send me Al-Fatihah to me if you miss me, insyaAllah u will get my reply J hahaha.. telepathy gitu .. ..:p Take care sister, may Allah protect and guide you in anything you do.

 

Love,

Your Sister.

Sometimes…

Sometimes I am too concern about others. Without I realise I have annoyed them badly.

Sometimes I think too much about others. Without I realise I have hurt myself badly.

Sometimes I care about others too much. Without I realise I have forgotten about myself at all

Sometimes I manage others and ensure I never fail their wants and needs. Without I realise I have messed up myself badly

Sometimes I work hard.. too hard.. to help others to chase their dreams. But this time I realise I never forget my dreams in fact am chasing my dream at the same time. Their faces that full of satisfaction are my ultimate dream And yes I deserve to see their bright faces.. and their happiness.. To know theyre happy, that makes me happy..

and I think…

It’s ok, if they hate me because I have annoyed them badly for good reasons.

It’s ok, if I have hurt myself to see them smile and happy.

It’s ok, if I don’t take a good care of myself so long they are in a good care

It’s ok, if I cudn’t manage myself just because I was too busy managing them

And it is ok to not have “ME” anywhere in my heart because my “ME” place is in others’ heart

With that,

I AM SORRY FOR BEING MYSELF. I AM SORRY FOR BEING TOo CONCERN ABOUT YOU. I AM SORRY FOR THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU. I AM SORRY FOR WORKING TOO HARD TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

BELIEVE ME, I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELF IF I CARE ABOUT YOU. ALLOW ME TO BE SOMEWHERE IN YOUR HEARTs..

Till then, InsyaAllah…

dream

Fret Not 

  
If you feel betrayed and being hurt by your own family members, fret not. Remember, the story of our Prophet Yusuf a.s, when he was betrayed by his own brothers. 

If your parents or anyone that you loved, go against you when you are on the right path, fret not, as our Prophet Ibrahim a.s was thrown in to the fire by his own father 

If you are in a big trouble and it seems to be no solutions to your problems, wipe your tears and fret not, remember the story of Prophet Yunus (Jonah) a.s who was trapped in the belly of whale

If you are sick and your whole body is in so much pain, fret not, as Prophet Ayyub a.s was very ill and had terrible sores all over his body and even lost his family.

If you think you have a lot of weaknesses, flaws, shortcomings or u feel you are imperfect, fret not, as Prophet Moosa a.s. could not communicate fluently

If you are insulted by any other human around you, fret not , as Aisyah r.a. ( wife of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w) has been defamed and the whole city was talking about it 

If you feel lonely and there is nobody to help you, fret not as Prophet Adam a.s was alone on the earth before he met Eve

If you feel that everything happens in your life is unjust and you even question why is it happening to you, fret not, as Prophet Noah a.s. was building the ark without knowing the reason he needed to do so, but he kept building it without question it. 

If you are insulted by your own family members when you choose your religion and ukhrawi life instead of worldly life, fret not, and remember the story of our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w who has been isolated and disliked by his close relatives. 

Subhanallah… Allahuakbar…Laila haillAllah… 

Allah has created great personalities before our time, and those personalities were tested and challenged in many ways. This is to give us a lesson which we can learn when we face any tests and tribulations in our daily life. Hence, never say “ WHY ME??”